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1996-01-01
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150 lines
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
MAINTAINING A BUOYANT ATTITUDE
by Greg Borek
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
(Early today)
Dearest Edna,
I hope this e-mail finds you happy and well. The six weeks
we have been married have easily been the happiest period of my
life. My life diminishes every moment I am not gazing on your
beauteous countenance. I am counting the nanoseconds until I can
once again gaze on your perfection.
But alas, I do not know if this will be possible. I do not
want to cause panic or alarm, but . . . I fear for my own safety.
I hope I can survive the afternoon.
Let me explain. This new company I have started to work for
seemed so perfect at the outset: every one was so friendly, the
work was interesting, and they are environmentally friendly. The
fanatic company enthusiasm seemed so harmless, even fun at the
beginning. The genius boy-wonder CEO with his boundless energy
and enthusiasm infected the whole company with a wonderful sense
of wonder and synergy. People pitch in because they want to
contribute and no amount of extra hours is an imposition.
Well, I had no idea that the self-proclaimed renaissance man
CEO fancies himself an architect and civil engineer to boot! He
designed the company building. Very attractive but most of the
construction work was done by programmers, electrical engineers,
and secretaries, just rolling up their sleeves and pitching in
after work. Enthusiasm is one thing but construction professionals
need to be involved somewhere! Apparently the boy-wonder did not
design the water main large enough, and given the amateur
construction crew . . .
Boss: Bidwell! There you are! What are you doing hiding in your
cubicle? The whitewater races are starting any minute!
Bidwell: Sorry, boss, didn't hear you come up in your inner tube.
Just sending off some e-mail while the water is still
below desk level. Say, that is a large inner tube, isn't
it?
Boss: Yes, I got it off of Wilkin's truck, poor devil. Drowned,
you know.
Bidwell: No, I hadn't heard about Wilkins, only Bronson, Weatherly,
and Pratt.
Boss: Well, we also lost several secretaries so far today. They
went snorkeling down to the ground floor to try and get the
mail. None of them made it back. Not enough lung capacity,
you see. You would have thought they adapted to the water
more easily -- I mean they are kept in a "secretarial pool."
Ha, ha. Not bad, heh? I made it up myself. Anyway, Johnson
volunteered to have a go, but I wouldn't let him of course.
We can afford to pay insurance policies on secretaries but--
Bidwell: Exactly how deep would you say the water is now?
Boss: About three feet here on the third floor . . . Bidwell! Am
I detecting an attitude that is in a directly contradictory
orientation to the prevailing company morale? Now, no more
of that sort of negative talk. I might remind you as a new
employee you are still on probation.
Bidwell: Yes, sir. In fact, I was just going to mention how clever
the CEO was for designing all of the electric cords to run
along the top of the cubicles in the event of just such an
emergency. Sheer genius to have anticipated this kind of
situation ahead of time. Makes me glad just to be alive!
Boss: Now, that's the spirit! Yes, it's wonderful to see everyone
pitching in. Some guys in marketing have made a very amateur
submarine from some of the larger packing crates. I doubt it
will actually work with all of those styrofoam peanuts in it,
but it's the idea that counts. The missile tracking system is
quite impressive, though. They boys from the first floor
helped them with it, of course. Well, before, well you know.
Anyway, we should be able to sell the tracking system . . . .
Bidwell: I was going to try and scuba down to the cafeteria and see
if I could get my lunch from the refrigerator, but I wanted
to wait until Pratt got back. He had some hair-brained idea
of using one of the 21 inch monitors as a diving bell, but
he forgot to check the length of the cable.
Boss: A clear example of the sort of employees we do not need here
in our little human aquarium, isn't that true Bidwell?
Bidwell: Of course not, sir. Attention to detail. I managed to
create a pair of water wings from two rules, 28 paper
clips, my mouse cable, and most of the shrink wrap from
the unopened manuals in my cubicle. Fully functional. I
even used them on my trip down to the rest room on the
second floor.
Boss: Very practical and quite fashionable as well.
Bidwell: Thank you sir. I look forward to wearing them to some
public events. Did you say there were whitewater races?
Boss: Oh my God! I forgot! The guys in marketing have made several
dugout canoes from the copier machines on the fourth floor.
The water coming from the pipe on the roof is at such velocity
that they can ride them down the stairs. Mind you, it won't be
as exciting as it was when the water was in the basement, but
still a thrill. Good for everyone's morale -- except for
Wilkins -- that's how he bought the farm, poor devil. Anyway,
let's go before we're below the finish line.
Bidwell: Couldn't anyone just open one of the windows or doors to
the outside of the building?
Boss: What? Whatever for? Listen, Bidwell, there is no problem
here. This negative thinking doesn't help anyone and the
sooner you realize that fact the better it will go for your
career young man. Do I make myself clear? Now, grab your
water wings and come along!
Bidwell: Yes, sir, lead the way -- I'm Australian crawling right
after you.
{DREAM}
Copyright 1996 Greg Borek, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Greg Borek is a C programmer in Falls Church, VA. He has previously
been mistaken for a vampire. Greg can be reached via e-mail at:
gborek@dreamforge.com
=====================================================================